small thoughts

I find my face an odd one. Nothing substantial ever changes, but i seldom look in the mirror and see a familiar figure. I see the shadows of the days' ebbs and flows weighing upon my young wrinkles and all too old blemishes, even though those are newer. A feature I deem attractive one night becomes one i would do anything to change the next. nights are the most common time for me to take this time for self reflection, and I wonder if that has any effect on my ritual self perception. My self perception follows quite quickly behind the general well being of my friends and loved ones. I do not know why. There are weeks when the only things going wrong are truly trivial, and i like those weeks. I can put myself first and truly not worry about anything going wrong with those i love, because life is good in these moments. Mrs. Faith said that there is a common theme every year, in which the bonds that tie together the student body fall into a state of flux around this time of year, which makes sense. I do not think i will be liking the way that my face looks for a little while. She also said that it is one of the more happy times of the year. Juniors mourn the loss of their Seniors who guided through to this place, and the seniors grasp at the straws of their time as a child before being squeezed out in the perpetuity of exploitation. All of this aside the student body comes together in appreciation for what a school like mine means to those lucky and willing enough to stay. And make lifelong friends in a way nigh impossible anywhere else. I know other peoples faces change, but i can never tell when. This is probably due to the pace at which this happens, and the interval of me viewing these changes converging enough so that each minute difference feels like a drop in the sea. Instead of the emotional waterfall which is finding an old friend in an Australian crowd, thousands of miles from both of our homes, themselves separated presently by thousands of miles, even though the place we can only truly call home is probably only a few rooms apart, in the hospital in downtown Albany, New York. I watched the sun set today. Not directly, but I saw its rays appear on the top of my wall. And I saw them disappear. It was sometimes difficult to truly watch it, and not fall into the trap of looking at a friends face too often and not seeing them grow into a better human being. I would sometimes set a goal for me to watch. When the sun hits this chip of paint i can be sure that time has passed. that nature is coming still to do its part. I am not sure if this analogy passes along to my loved ones. They do not know their fate, and neither do I. The sun does, and that makes it easy to place milestones on. But the people i care for are not a star in my solar system, as much as i would beg for them to be. The patterns they impart on me are subtle, unable to be presently seen. The people around me affect me in ways that are only apparent to me when I have since long passed the opportunity for their care to be imparted, and can only take with me what they have been gracious enough to give before I could realize what a treasure I received.